Disclosing my path from fan fiction to BDSM's real life

Having a cold head and calm soul

My state of mind is extremely distorted after reading blog posts from BDSM's couples. One of the most impressive one must be this couple: Taiwanese lady/sub and British gentleman/dom. They run an online customized BDSM's feather business meanwhile updating and sharing their lifestyle publicly on blog. 

http://bdsmtaisirsub(dot)blogspot(dot)hk  (in Chinese and English)

It gave me quite a startle. You may ask if you are not interested in this field why would you have read these. In fact, we need to recall how did I get on this path at the beginning in order to piece together the current picture. 

At the outset, I'm only a reader of romanticized erotic LGBT story. Some call this, "TanBi" (耽美), or "BL" (Boy's Love). I went on reading these fantasized fiction and touched upon "training" and "BDSM". This result is totally out of my anticipation from the beginning of reading.

First, I've never known that the encounter of fan fiction (of Japanese Manga) will lead me to erotic gay story then to the shocking BDSM fiction and concerning real life story. I impute this irreparable condition of "Present" to my teenage curiosity and being impressionable by peers who induce me to read these. The fact is that whoever lack of exercising self-control will become others' puppet.

Second, from my college reading, I've leant Lacanian psychoanalysis which helps me to face my own sexual instinct and desire, moreover, to interpret human desire and state of mind in general. Although I might not be professional, this thinking tool has encouraged me to look in the eye of my own (from the reflection of mirror though) and to treat my body and personality fairly.

Well, this unexpected journey from my young Junior 2 to current full-blown college final year actually whipped my will power and torture me like hell. I have a kind of COD which is like perverted behavior - doing work repetitively till the moment of having wiped out. Like anyone who has anorexia or bulimia can't help themselves to avoid unnecessary suffering. 

I blame myself and hate of being like acrasia. This is a bad cycle, can't stop doing one thing but hate to do it. After having read the blog of SP fetish couple, I feel like throwing up. (not by natural cause, I did it with my fingers) 

Food disgusts me.

The way they live is out of mainstream and so outrageous. Although I say this with respect and love, for a young woman like me, I can't imagine this distorted love and desire. 

Just like you can't understand my pleasure of self-criticizing. If you have the same experience or some words to share, please kindly leave your comments below. 

Thank you for reading.

Everyday Quote: Learn to finish one thing before start doing it.